The Young, Single, and the Restless
AssalamuAlaikum,
I am pleased to announce on this blessed Jumaah of DhulHijjah that I am officially engaged and will be uttering my final syllables of marriage acceptance in early Safar InshaAllah. I thank all of you who have tolerated me and who have continued to keep me in your generous duas despite my undeservedness of them.
Now that that is formally announced, enough formalities.
I, like many Muslims (and humans in general), looooooooovvvveee talking about stuff I don’t know with 100% certainty and that I haven’t experienced in all their dimensions. I mean c’mon, really, I am neither an expert on ‘Human Understanding’ nor one on Despair. As best I know, I have yet to be declared the authority on weddings at Wayne Manor. As nice as human words may sound, there is ALWAYS room for error and inaccuracy.
That is why
*today*
amidst my rambling/conjecturing about things I only know a ‘little’ about, I will talk about something that Mu’imins believe and know of not only through the light of Scripture, but also from all of their heart and experience as well. Something that we all know, but often forget with the jump of a heartbeat.
And that, dear brothers and sisters, is the beauty and mercy of tawakkul.
We don’t deserve it my Hidayans, we just don’t deserve it…
I have been receiving proposals from the age of 14 (though my family and I weren’t actively considering them till 19) and I am going to share with you what I have learned from those years of routine and tiring considerations (aside from how to appear politely interested by nodding my head and raising my eyebrows at the right junctures in the conversation). My message to all the unmarried folk (myself included since technically I am not married) who are in the consideration process:
"And keep your soul content with those who call on their Lord morning and evening, seeking His Face; and let not your eyes pass beyond them, seeking the pomp and glitter of this life; nor obey any whose heart We have permitted to neglect the remembrance of Us, one who follows his own desires, whose case has gone beyond all bounds." (Surah Kahf : 28)
Look. We are all Hidayans here. We all have similar marriage standards. I know you are all looking for that person who will help you improve in your deen InshaAllah. Someone whose presence and practice will inspire taqwa and reflection in you. I know that you will give that the most priority when considering prospects InshaAllah. I know how it is. I know how at one point you just get ‘tired’ of waiting. You get ‘tired’ of being the last single man standing in your group of friends. You get ‘tired’ of having aunties, uncles, cousins, and friends ask you when you plan to get married. ‘Tired’ of considering one barely-motivated proposal—that wants to dig its claws into you and pull you ever closer to the Duniya—after another…
…Unfortunately, it is at this point that most people lower their marriage standards. They figure “ok, the root problem behind my having trouble finding the ‘mashaAllah’ spouse that I desire isn’t that those kinds of people are rare these days (…as they have always been...like the gems that they are) or that my duniya standards are too high (Tyra Banks still isn’t Muslim? Damn. Its ok, I’ll wait.). The problem is that I am asking for too much by desiring to marry someone who is on top of his or her deen. One shouldn’t expect so much from a prospect. I am not perfect either.”
Alarm bells should have gone off in your head when you read that.
Please brothers and sisters, please please, for the sake of the future of this Ummah, please don’t EVER EVER lower your Islamic standards. Please, really, I beg of you. The reasons for why I say this should come intuitively to most of you, but for the brothers and sisters who would like to know why we shouldn’t lower our Islamic standards (uhh duuuhhh) its cuz you don’t want to be held responsible on the Day of Judgment for ‘knowingly’ choosing a spouse who you felt would not be able to provide an Islamic environment for you or your children. Notice that I said ‘knowingly’. What is important here is your intention and effort. Then if, after you have tried your best, Allah (Glorious and Exalted) wishes to try you, then those are your cards. Play them wisely with sabr without neglecting your shukr. But to go back to the issue of choosing wisely, imagine standing before the Highest of Courts on that Final Hour and being told that the reason your children and grandchildren are going to hell is because they never received the Islamic environment/training from their parents that was their right. And the reason that didn’t happen is because you lowered your standards and just married the prettiest thing that was willing to marry you.
“Oh habeebti, I love you because you are the most beautiful girl that was willing to marry me and make her body available to me after marriage. I couldn’t have gotten better than you.”
“Oh habeebi, you are dear to me because you were the most well paid of the guys that wanted to marry me and pay my bills. I couldn’t have gotten better than you.”
Also, we have gone over the marriage supply-demand theory repeatedly on this site. Now I am not an economist, but it seems to be a pretty cut and dry concept. The supply will correspond to the demand. The more people demand a certain kind of religious individual, the more society will become accepting of that kind of person and will try to produce it with its resources. It’s GOOD to want what is good. Not only are you allowed to want it, but you are encouraged to in our deen. It helps society at large. And don’t worry, because the supply corresponds to the demand, this means that if you demand it then the odds are that there is someone allotted for you that will supply your demand. In marriage, as in other things, supply and demand seem to have a positive correlation with one another. One goes up, the other goes up. One goes down, the other goes down.
Abu al-'Abbas 'Abdullah bin 'Abbas reported: I was behind the Prophet (sallallahu 'alayhi wasallam) when he said, "O young man, I will teach you some words (of wisdom). Keep Allah in mind, He will preserve you. Keep Allah in mind, you will find Him in front of you. If you (have need to) ask, ask of Allah. And if you must seek help, seek help from Allah.¹ Know that even if the (whole) community is united to (do something to) benefit you in any matter, they would not benefit you in ought save what Allah has written for you, and even if they were united to harm you in any matter they would not harm you in ought save what Allah has already written for you. The pens had been lifted and the pages were dry." (Tirmidhi and Musnan Ahmad)
And please, do you all really buy the “I am not the best Muslim so I shouldn’t try to marry someone better than me” excuse? Who do you want to marry? Someone who is worse than you so that the two of you can watch your Iman and Islam erode in each other’s company?! Seriously, we are SUPPOSED to try to marry someone who is better than us and whom we can learn a thing or two from. The reasoning could be something like this (Don’t mix up the steps. This is one of many threads of reasoning that may be applicable):
1. I need to marry someone more practicing than me for the sake of my religion.
2. Hmm…but the kind of spouse I want probably wouldn’t be interested in a loser like me. What kind of person would he/she want?
3. Wow. Now that I think about it, when I compare my expectations of what a good Muslim should be to what I myself am, I fall disgustingly short. I AM a dirtbag! This is gross.
4. Ya Allah, forgive me for being this disgustingly heedless of Your Pleasure and Command and bring me out of my jahilliyah. Help me become that which You are pleased with. InshaAllah and Amin.
5. Oh wait…but Allah wants ikhlaas (sincerity) from me and a pure intention. I have to want to be good for His sake alone. He deserves my intentions more than anyone else does. Forget marriage. I have bigger problems to work on. …Like myself.
6. Must work on my relationship with Him. Must build ikhlaas. Must work on my relationship with Him. Must build ikhlaas. Must work on my relationship with Him. Must build ikhlaas. Must work on my relationship with Him. Must build ikhlaas. Must work on my relationship with Him.
7. Huh? That religious person just proposed to me. What in the hell do they see in me? Oh well, Allah knows what is best for my deen and duniya. Let me do istikhaarah and see what happens.
OR
Perhaps I should get married for His sake so that I can fulfill the Sunnah of the beloved Rasool (May Allah bless him and give him peace) and benefit my deen. He/she is known to be of good character/deen. Let me do an istikhaarah and see if it is willed for me to move forward with this.
8. Look at that, its positive. (If negative, don’t continue to 9. Go back two steps.)
9. “I will. I will. I will.”
10. I never deserved someone as amazing as this. Thank you Allah for delivering him/her to me and for taking care of me.
The key words in that last sentence are…
TAKING…
CARE…
OF…
ME…
That’s right. YOU have someone taking care of you and all the minute itty-bitty factors in your life that you, with your big ole head and ego, don’t even recognize to exist. There is someone there monitoring every organelle that lies within your body. Someone who is making sure everything in your environment is perfect to sustain life. Someone who is making sure people don’t hate you. Someone who is making sure that life doesn’t crush you. Someone who is shielding you from the harshness of this Duniya, from the tragedies and blows that try people. Someone who’s Mercy is protecting you from the trials that you cannot bear. You just need to hold on to your faith, fulfill your obligations, and work towards the khair and, InshaAllah, He will provide you with what is Best for you in EVERY way.
And (moreover) He hath put affection between their hearts: not if thou hadst spent all that is in the earth, couldst thou have produced that affection, but God hath done it: for He is Exalted in might, Wise. (Quran: 8:63)
The Prophet Muhammad (upon him be blessings and peace) said,
“The hearts are in the fingers of the Merciful One, He turns them as He wishes.” (Muslim and Ahmad)
Have tawakkul that you will be taken care of by the One in Whose Hands all lies. You will seriously see all the pieces coming together when the time comes. All the forces in the universe will converge to give you that wonderful spouse who both you and your family are happy with. Yes, you read correctly, whom your FAMILY is happy with as well. Believe me, miracles happen and hearts are in the Hands of Allah, Glorious and Exalted. No one can dislike the person He chooses for you if He decides for them to like him. You don’t HAVE to marry someone against your parents' will in order to get the type of person you want. Just have tawakkul and show your parents the kindness that Allah and His Rasool COMMAND you to show them. Take care of their rights over you. You will see. You will be well taken care of by Allah. People who marry against their parents wishes have no idea what happiness one experiences when one sees one's family happy and excited about a person who also meets one's own preferences. You can’t help but be happy when you see your loved ones beaming with smiles. You CAN HAVE that. Really, you CAN.
“Ya Muqallib al-Quloob, thabbit quloobanaa ‘alaa deenik"
"O Controller of the hearts, make our hearts steadfast upon Your religion"
Make dua to be increased and strengthened in your deen and 'work' towards this end. Then ask with sincerity of intention for someone with deen and you will find that He will provide you with someone that has deen along with EVERYTHING else that is to be desired in a spouse. You will never see it coming. It will just hit you one day and you will fall to the ground in sujood and weep out of realization of your not having deserved His generosity and Loving Care. We don’t deserve a single moment of happiness; we are not worthy of it. Beyond the debt and responsibilities of slave hood that come with existence, the fact that he orchestrates all the factors and forces in the universe so that you can have a moment of happiness is enough to leave us forever in debt to Him. That’s just for ‘one’ moment of happiness…and He gives us so many. It’s amazing! Not one of us actually deserves the happiness He gives us. And it makes me feel relieved that we are all taken care of despite our undeservedness of His Care. So AMAZING is His Mercy and Kindness upon His creation. Alhamdulillah wa SubhanAllah.
THAT is why we call upon Him using His phenomenal qualities and not our own works.
We suck.
It’s that simple.
We suck.
So all we can say to Him is “Ya Rabb, I have nothing to place before You save my own helplessness. There is nothing that I own or that I have produced. I call upon You, asking You for madad and guidance, based on what YOU ARE. Based on Your Nature. YOU are the Merciful and Most Forgiving. So take care of me, my Rabb, based on these qualities for I have nowhere else to turn and no one else to ask. You did not create another caretaker and You are my only hope for nourishment.”
We truly have a Beautiful Creator whose qualities, if reflected upon, leave one helplessly in love with His entity. How can one NOT love Someone who takes this much concern in the well-being and happiness of his undeserving rebellious useless slaves? How can one not want to please such an entity?
On the authority of Abu Hurairah (may Allah be pleased with him), who said that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: Allah the Almighty said: I am as My servant thinks I am. I am with him when he makes mention of Me. If he makes mention of Me to himself, I make mention of him to Myself; and if he makes mention of Me in an assembly, I make mention of him in an assembly better than it. And if he draws near to Me an arm's length, I draw near to him a fathom's length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed."
(Buhkari, Muslim, at-Tirmidhi and Ibn-Majah).
[Another possible rendering of the Arabic is: "I am as My servant expects Me to be". The meaning is that forgiveness and acceptance of repentance by the Almighty is subject to His servant truly believing that He is forgiving and merciful. However, not to accompany such belief with right action would be to mock the Almighty.]
La hawla wa la qoowata illah billah.
Never ever lose tawakkul. He is to us as we think Him to be. Have good opinion of Him and you will find yourself taken care of better than you could have ever imagined or taken care of yourself InshaAllah. NO ONE deserves your good opinion more than He does. NO ONE deserves your benefit of the doubt more than He does. Submit your trust to Him and you will find blessings coming from the ghaib that you could have never foreseen. We really need to believe with every last bit of our soul that He can take care of us far better than we can take care of ourselves. We need to put down all this baggage and learn how to surrender our trust. That is often the last and hardest things to surrender. But its taste is also the sweetest.
Let us die with that taste in our mouth.
InshaAllah and Amin.
“And whosoever keeps his duty to Allah, Allah will appoint a way out for him, and will provide for him from (a quarter) whence he has no expectation.
And whosoever puts his trust in Allah, He will suffice him.
Lo! Allah brings His command to pass. Allah has set a measure for all things.”
(Qur’an 65:2)
Your sister who prays she is not punished for her audacity to write such a piece when those more qualified to speak are present,
J
WasalaamuAlaikum.
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* 'Umar [ibn al-Khattab] (may Allah be well pleased with him) used to quote these two verses [of Arabic poetry] as an instructive example:
Go easy on yourself, for the outcome of all affairs is determined by God's decree.
If something is meant to go elsewhere, it will never come your way, but if it is yours by destiny, from you it cannot flee.
* "And God doth advance in guidance those who seek guidance: and the things that endure, Good Deeds, are best in the sight of thy Lord, as rewards, and best in respect of (their) eventual return." (Surah Maryam, 76)
* “The strong believer is better and more beloved to Allah than the weak believer, though there is good in both. Be avid for that which benefits you. Rely on Allah and do not deem yourself incapable…” [Muslim, Ibn Majah, and Ahmad]
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